You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
