Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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