So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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