also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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