Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he shaved USA in his pubs
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
