I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
