Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She bit a glass in half.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize