If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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