The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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