I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Quick, to the slutcave!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
