I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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