I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
