If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
