Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
