Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
