You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
