I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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