there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
