i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
