You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
