New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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