So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
