I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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