the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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