He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
