guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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