just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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