"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
