So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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