why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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