when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
