Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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