NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize