put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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