I can tuck mytits in my pants
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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