i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
