You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
