The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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