Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
