dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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