Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Holy shit dude........stairs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
