I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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