Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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