Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
