just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
