My first STD was from a foam party
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My balls are so social today.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
