I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
