last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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