My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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