I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
