Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
