she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's blow job season.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
