Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
