he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
