He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
