You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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