it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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